Colds and mud puddles

I remember the first time Piper came down with her first real virus easily, as it was the day of her 1st birthday party. Since then, I feel like she's been sick a ton, especially throughout the fall and this winter. Over the past several months she's had strep, croup, coxsackie virus, scarletina, a stomach bug, and cold after cold after cold. To be honest, it was starting to freak me out. And when the same doctor walked into our room yesterday as we had seen just a short three weeks ago, I was actually relieved because I wanted to ask her how normal this was.

She answered my question for me when she walked in and said, "Well, it's been 3 weeks. You were due!" I asked her if she was kidding, and she explained that once kids start crawling and then until they are 3, it's completely normal to come down with a different illness once every three weeks. So, by the time they get over one thing, you have about a week and a half of good health, typically, and then onto the next. And as she's in the room, Piper is drooling like crazy and chewing on her finger so the doc added that it's usually worse during teething because they transfer all the nasty germs they touch into their mouths. Such a gross thought, but it made me feel so much better because I feel like I always have the sick kid out of my friends. Turns out, she's normal, and it's possible that she puts her hands in her mouth more than others. And I would guess that it takes her teeth way longer than normal to come in than the average kid, leading to longer periods of teething. I can't remember how long she's been working on her eye teeth, but I know it was well before Christmas and she still has the bottom two to go. And her molars took four months to come in. During that time, she had half of the identifiable illnesses listed above. This, to me, just doesn't seem fair. Teething sucks already, being sick on top of it can't help anything. If only I could keep her hands out of her mouth ... yeah, right.

Even though she was sick, Piper discovered how fun a mud puddle can be today. It was one of those glorious late winter days when the sun was out and it reached the mid-40s, which felt heavenly. We put our rain boots on and went out for a walk, which only lasted as far as the street corner because that's where all the puddles were. We played and stomped until Piper slipped and ended up on her butt, totally soaked from the waist down. It was fun while it lasted :-)

Valentine's Day's true target audience

I've never been a fan of Valentine's Day. To me, it's a contrived holiday where Hallmark and florists make out like bandits, and if someone really loved you, do they need a day to remind them of this? Over the years, Reid and I have made each other homemade cards for this special day, always out of construction paper. They've been super creative and usually say a lot about what's going on in our lives. There was one year when mine to him included an elaborate representation of his truck towing my car (ah the trip home from Texas), while his the year before was a longhorn with eyes that popped out when I opened it (since we had just moved to Austin). We didn't do dinners out or the over-priced flowers or jewelery (all of which I would gladly accept on any other day of the year!), but we each spent a ton of time cutting out little pieces of construction paper and ended up with way more than just glue stick all over our fingers.

Then we had Piper.

Last year's cards were talked about and never started. This year, no cards again.

The fact is they take a lot of time, and extra time isn't something either of us have a lot of and it all seems to be used up (while I type this, Reid is in the basement doing P90X). And thinking about this today, as I read through sappy update after sappy update on Facebook, made me realize who needs this grossly cheesy holiday the most: parents. There's no doubt that our free time has drastically diminished and changed since we had Piper. We now struggle to sneak in a workout, do the dishes, or just do nothing on the couch when that's all we have the energy for. Our house isn't as tidy as I would like it most of the time and Christmas thank yous take a month and a half to be delivered. Piper takes up all of the time that she's awake, which leaves very little time dedicated to romance and just to each other. I realized today that if anyone should be celebrating this holiday, it's us, even if it is contrived. Thinking more, we didn't even celebrate our last two anniversaries ... basically there are two days in the year when culture says to remember to just enjoy the two of you and they are your anniversary and Feb. 14. We totally need to make time and do this.

And just to clarify, I'm not a bitter Valentine's Day person. I never was dumped or had plans totally ruined or anything like that. I think my real issue with the holiday is that I'm a hopeless romantic, which to me means that I want to be told on any/every other day of the year how great I am and how much I mean to Reid. I just don't want him to tell me today because Hallmark says so.

So I'm not bitter, but I am thinking more rationally now and realizing how poor of a job we've done of keeping things romantic and special. Time to pencil it in, as romantic as that sounds!

Oh, and my labs came back today and my HCG dropped a good amount over the last week so my health continues to move in the right direction. If that's not a reason to celebrate, then I don't know what is.

Short and sweet

More words that Piper can say: orange, onion and backpack. What she says clearly is such a random fun collection - I love it.

There are some days that the words just flow out of my fingers when I sit down to blog and others where each word feels forced. Tonight is a forced night, so while I'm going to count this as blog number 3 out of 10, I'm not going to torture anyone, including myself, with terrible writing and jumbled thoughts. I was hoping to sit down and feel motivated to write about all of the amazing travels we've had between our recent trips to Cincinnati and Florida, but those tales are simply going to have to wait for another night.

18 month stats

While Piper may now be 19 months, she did have an 18 month well-baby visit last month so here are her latest stats:

Height: 34 inches - 95 percentile

Weight: 27 pounds, 14 ounces - 91 percentile

Head circumference: 19 inches - 82 percentile

Her percentiles were pretty much unchanged, except for her growing melon - she bumped up a good 7 percentage points, making herself a pretty well-proportioned, albeit huge, child.

I remember the doc at her 15 month well-baby visit telling us there would be a word explosion coming up. Well, he didn't lie. While much of what she still says is incoherent babble, she can now say a ton of words including: mama, dada, dog, big truck, duck, cheers, cheese, eye, vroom, moo, up, down, hot, hat, more, please, pee, poop, nana, papa, NO, uh huh, uh oh, gas (in reference to gas stations...), boat, and I'm sure there are a bunch of others that I'm blanking on right now. And if you think she's not listening, think again. She's proven time and time again that she's always listening and understands every word we say. She answers almost every question with "no" right now and she loves to listen to us count and sing along with the alphabet song, although she only says "i, i, i."

Her favorite show is Dinosaur Train on PBS, although she won't sit and watch it for more than a couple of minutes, and her favorite time to read books is right before bed. We read the same books almost every night - Olivia; Everywhere Babies; Goodnight Moon; The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry and the Big Hungry Bear; Hand Hand Fingers Thumb; and I Love You Stinky Face.

She LOVES accessories - hats, sunglasses, purses. And big trucks. She's a ridiculously fun combination of girly girl and tom boy and we hope that continues. Basically, we're completely in love and she gets more and more fun every day - as long as it's not a 'terrible two' day ... she has those too.

And the picture at the top is from New Year's Eve. Piper was super sick - double ear infection, bronchialitis - so our plans to head to Boston to see friends were canceled. To make the best of it, I made a nice dinner, complete with chocolate cream pie. Piper discovered how much she loved homemade whip cream, particularly when she could eat it off the whisk. And notice the hat - again, always accessorizing. Love it.

Hello, 2011, 1.5 months late

When I was working in PR and monitoring blogs, there were blogs that mattered and blogs that didn't. Based on the fact that I haven't blogged in more than 6 weeks, I would have put myself into the 'didn't matter' category. BUT, the simple fact is that we aren't doing a baby book and this is the only way (besides the thousands of pictures) we have of cementing our memories of Piper as she grows and changes so this blog does matter. To me, anyway. My excusefor not blogging is simple: life happened.

But now I'm making a mid-February resolution: I will blog 10 times in the next 2 weeks. And here's number 1.

There's no doubt in my mind that my blogging hiatus was due to the miscarriage. After I blogged last time, the outpouring of support and kind words was incredible, but it was also overwhelming, and I realized that I needed to spend some time processing what had happened instead of writing about it. Especially after the pathology of the fetus came back and we had a rare and annoying diagnosis to deal with. In short, I had a partial molar pregnancy, which means that the egg was fertilized by two sperm. Obviously, this is NOT supposed to happen so the fetus had way too many chromosomes and grew funky cells as a result. So two days before Christmas, I got a call from my doctor with this news, accompanied by the prognosis: if my body absorbed the funky cells from the baby, then it's possible they would be matasticized in my body into a quick spreading nasty cancer, albeit one that responds well to chemo. As a result, I went in for a chest x-ray and blood work on Christmas Eve (great day for hospital stuff as it turns out, totally empty and no lines) to get a base line and then would have to do weekly blood work until my pregnancy hormone (HCG) returned to normal and then for a while after that. Basically, they would watch me very closely to ensure I didn't get cancer, and we couldn't start trying for another 3-6 months (until I was in the clear).

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the plan then changed to 6 months of monthly labs after my labs returned to normal levels. So looking 7-8 months out probably. The planner in me was crushed by this, but obviously my health has to come first.

Fast forward another couple weeks to my post-op doctor's appointment where we discussed the fact that my HCG levels were dropping way more slowly than what was considered "normal", and they seemed to be stuck. My doctor, whom I trust completely, consulted additional specialists and explained that I'm now no longer in the normal category for this type of pregnancy (which is extremely abnormal, by the way), so we should now wait at least a year to start trying again. And, if my hormones didn't come down over the next few weeks, he recommended chemo.

The thought of chemo paralyzed me. I know there are various types of chemos, but I've seen the side effects in multiple people and going through them with a toddler sounded terrifying. So while the year of waiting bummed me out, my whole emotional state was overwhelmed by the possibility of going through multiple months of weekly chemo treatments. Luckily, Piper and I left for Florida the next day for some warm weather, great friendship and a break from reality. A dedicated Florida post will be coming over the next 2 weeks.

Luckily, my last two weeks of labs have showed a reducing HCG number so chemo is not looking so likely now. Of course, that could change again, but I'm choosing to stay positive and focus my energy on a number of goals for the next year:

• Getting back into great shape - this may have to wait a bit until Cadbury Creme Egg season is over
• Making a better effort at communicating with people, including this blog
• Finally starting and finishing home improvement projects that I can take on by myself/with help, such as painting projects, a somewhat redo of our master bedroom suite, and massive gardening/landscaping in the spring

If we're not going to be pregnant for a while, we might as well make the most of it. And if I can get through the next year without chemo or any other terrible issues, then I certainly plan to take advantage of my time.

The weird/scary part for me is that I feel like I haven't grieved over this lost child at all. Part of it is that I feel like I don't have time for the grieving process, and it is so different already having Piper, but I do dread falling apart at some point, which I know is totally possible. Again, I might as well make the most of not falling apart. 2011 started off about as crappy as it could, but I plan to make the best of it moving forward. Here's to health and happiness!

Swallowed by a whale

I've gone back and forth over whether or not to blog about this. I certainly don't want people's sympathy or pity (there's my cons list), but I also remember many people reaching out to me after I blogged about our first miscarriage and thanking me. Many people told me they learned a lot from our experiences, and honestly, if I can help someone else make it through a similar experience or help a friend/family member help their loved one cope through a terrible time, then that makes me putting our heartbreak out for all to read more than worthwhile. And so with that thought, I've decided to open up about our last 10 days ...

We'd been trying for about four months when we found out we were pregnant again. We were both super excited, but cautious. If we learned anything from our first pregnancy, it was that being blindsided with a loss is just about the worst feeling in the world. So I can say we went into this eyes wide open, but of course I was hopeful. You hear about first pregnancies failing way more than subsequent ones, but the fact remains (via my doctor and midwife) that 1 in 5 pregnancies fail. Being a typically optimistic person, I can see that 80 percent of pregnancies make it, but if you've been through the 1 in 5 before, you know that that 20 percent is a HUGE number.

We asked for, and were granted, an early ultrasound (we did the same thing with Piper) and both felt huge sighs of relief upon seeing the flicker of a heartbeat two Fridays ago. 164 beats per minute. Nice and strong. We had over an hour to wait until the appointment with the midwife so I came home and emailed some of my closest friends. Hooray! We were pregnant again.

I was stupidly confident.

At the appointment with the midwife, she told us that there was a pocket of blood visible on the ultrasound, which concerned her. She explained that sometimes this can be a normal occurrence with the development of the placenta (it was in between one end of the placenta and the uterine wall) that could be absorbed by the body. Or, it could be a sign that the pregnancy was eventually going to fail. Out the door flew our confidence; in flew fear. The good news was that I was really sick - throwing up some days, but generally nauseous and feeling awful from the moment I woke up until I went to bed. The midwife explained that those were hormones at work, which was good. The plan became to do another ultrasound in a week to make sure the baby was still growing. We both knew it would be an incredibly long week of waiting, but regardless of what the outcome would be, there was nothing we or any doctor could do.

Fast forward a few days to last Monday, when all of a sudden, I woke up and felt completely back to myself. No more nausea. No more tiredness. I had an internal freak out, thinking this was a sign that things had gone terribly wrong, but continued to try to be hopeful. After all, I had one friend whose sickness only lasted three weeks so the baby could be fine. Piper and I kept super busy while Reid was working to make the time fly, and Friday was once again upon us.

We returned to the practice and got set up in the ultrasound room. No heartbeat was seen in the first attempt, so we switched to an internal ultrasound for a better view. No heartbeat again - the baby had died. As much as I was somewhat expecting this, it still hurt more than one can imagine. I wanted to be hopeful, after all, we wanted this baby. We planned for this baby. I had an app on my phone to help with trying and peed on an ovulation kit stick every morning for crying out loud. We already loved this baby.

I wasn't able to have a d and c until yesterday morning, and spending the weekend knowing there was a dead baby inside of me was torturous. I wanted it out. I felt so gross. And it was messing with my subconscious and dreams, which made sleeping unrestful and aggravating. Friday night I dreamed that I could already feel the baby kick and woke up with my hand on my stomach and the awful realization that the opposite was true. The next night, Reid and I had an enormous fight in my dreams over a new car. In real life, we were planning on getting a different vehicle since I was pregnant, so the dream clearly had a root in our planning, but in the dream I had to keep yelling at Reid that "the baby was dead! We don't need a new car." Over and over again. I would wake up mad, and sad.

I've had brief moments of sadness, but I know the long road of grief is really yet to come. I am great at suppressing my feelings, but I don't want to do that this time. For Piper's sake, we need to deal with this and move on. I do find writing to be therapeutic so hopefully this will help me in addition to others, but I hate that we've lost another child and that we'll be planting another hydrangea in the spring to go with the one that represents our other lost baby. We threw out the first ultrasound picture we had with "BABY" written on it. I didn't want the reminder of what we had lost, not that I'll ever forget it.

I will say that being sad around Piper is pretty much impossible. She has no clue what has gone on in our lives (for which I'm thankful) and spent the weekend running around our house with a huge smile on her face. Hugging her fills me with warmth. We are so blessed and lucky to have her - and while she does serve as a distraction, she's way more than that. She is the best and I will never take her for granted.

How is it mid-November?!

Is it possible that so much time has gone by that I didn't even post after Piper's 15 month checkup?! ARGH. Well, the good news is, my available free time is once again back to sparse instead of nonexistent so I'm putting blogging back onto my to-do list.

Looking back over a MONTH, Piper had her 15 month checkup. Her stats were as follows ...

Height: 32.5 inches - 95 percentile

Weight: 25 pounds - 90 percentile

Head circumference: 18.5 inches - 75 percentile

I can report that she's up to 26 pounds, 12 ounces from her appointment last week, when she went in with conjunctivitis in both eyes and a sinus infection that had come back after one round of antibiotics. Antibiotic eye drops (torture for everyone involved) and another heavier duty antibiotic later, she's doing much better!

At this point, the election was almost two weeks ago ... and while it didn't end favorably (the electorate in our district chose a soldier instead of a businessman to solve economic issues - go figure), it was a unique experience and I'm glad I gave it a shot. After four and a half weeks, Piper finally adjusted to daycare - in fact, she began to love it! She went back to being a solid sleeper and returned to her usual chipper self. It was amazing to have her back! And so much less of a burden on me - I had way less guilt once she began really enjoying herself. And now, even though work is done, she continues to go to "school" one day a week. Sometimes I feel guilty about this, but honestly, I think it's great for both of us. She loves it, gets a full day of socialization with her friends, and I have some time also. I've had two of her school days so far and both have been spent primarily cleaning, but I did spend a bit of time reading on Friday and it felt so nice. And I knew she was having a good time too so I didn't feel badly about it.

So how was working? Well ... I'm not rushing back into it. There were times when it was rewarding, times when it was frustrating, and times when I just couldn't figure out why the heck I was doing it other than I wanted to give it a try and I believed in the project. Overall, it just isn't worth it to me at this point. Even though I enjoyed the work, my life wasn't any more full, any more complete, with me going to work three days a week. It was cool to see Bill Clinton speak in Saratoga, and I felt privilidged to meet two Cabinet members (secretaries of agriculture and commerce), but I would rather be home with Piper most of the time. I'm not going to say that I won't go back to work - and if a unique project presents itself again, I will certainly take a good look at it before I decide how to proceed, but I'm not going to be sending out any resumes anytime soon.

Piper's just a blast. She toddles all over the place, and probably her favorite type of activity is an art project. She loves to color (especially with markers), finger paint even more, and sidewalk chalk on beautiful days is a must. She makes me laugh (like her daddy) so many times every day and I'm simply just crazy about her still. She's super vocal, although most of what she says is still incomprehensible, but every once in a while she totally surprises me and will come out with a complete sentence. The other day, she walked to the coat closet, stood in front of it, pointed at it and said: "This is a closet." Why yes it is, Piper! So cute.

Oh, and today, she peed on the potty. When I went to the bathroom this morning, she showed interest in getting on the toilet too, so I went and got out the frog potty we had from the basement. She sat on it, but nothing happened. Then after breakfast out at Papa's diner, and Church, we came back home and she again showed interest when Reid had to use the bathroom. So I put her back on the potty, and low and behold, she peed! And peed a ton. She was greatly rewarded with several chocolate chips, and has since sat on the potty multiple other times without any activity. I know she's too young to be potty trained, but hey, if she's into it, we'll give it a shot.

I'm sure I'm running out of time as Piper has been sleeping now for an hour, but one of my favorite things that we did this fall was to go to Ellms Family Farm in October. It was a bit chilly, but it was SO fun. I'll end this blog with some of my favorite pics from that day ...

She kept pointing at the cow's head and saying "mooo."

At the bottom of the 70' slide:

Giant bouncing pillow!

Riding bikes with Daddy...

Going down the 15' slide all by herself! Daddy watching over ...

As much as we tried to get her to stand still, this was the best we could do ...

It was so much fun and I can see it getting even better when she's bigger. We'll be returning next year!