Control freak

While I've known this for a while, probably years, my current situation is highlighting just how much I enjoy trying to control my life. I'm well aware that there is so much in life you can't control, and while I can accept that, it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Having a baby is certainly one of those things you can't control (to a great extent), but I've come to the realization that I compensate for that by trying to control other things in life. 

When you're trying to get pregnant, there's a lot of mandatory patience and waiting. There are only two or three days when your body will get pregnant, so in a 28 day cycle, that means there are 25-26 days of waiting. It's during these waiting periods that I try to control everything else. Over the past 24 hours, I have become reobsessed with finishing our house and getting it just right. There's a room on the first floor that needs to be painted, our bedroom needs to be painted, man-land (the basement) needs to be worked on ... and I enjoy diving into all of these projects because I feel happy when I get to control the progress that is involved with completing them. Plus they serve as a much welcome distraction, and I get to feel productive, which I love. 

I have wished on numerous occasions that I could feel as happy and content when I'm relaxing as when I'm productive, but honestly that is just not the case. Well that's not exactly true. When we're on vacation, I let myself completely relax and unwind. I LOVE doing nothing on vacation. But typically we're not on vacation so I knit during football games and putter around the house all weekend if we don't have plans. I love the satisfaction of completing a project - and that's why I'm going to take a long lunch break today, head to ACE and get paint chips. 

Healing takes time

I've learned a lot of lessons over the past (almost) two months, one of which is the title of this post. Healing takes time, and for me, it's taken almost a full two months to feel mentally healthy and happy again. It feels so good to wake up in the morning feeling like "me" again, I can't even put that into words! I'm sure there will be times when the sadness creeps up again, and I'll never forget, but I do finally feel at peace. I'm still amazed and astonished how attached you can be to something that you only knew for 12 weeks ... but to say that I wasn't attached, would be a blatant lie.

Another lesson I've learned, or was reminded of I probably should say, is how lucky I am to have amazing family and friends in my life. There were plenty of times when they didn't know what to say, and if I'm honest, there were also times when my loved ones said the wrong things, but they were instrumental in getting me back to my healthy self. My husband is amazing ... in so many ways. He is my best friend and my rock. I love that he can make me laugh, even when all I want to do is cry.

Other lessons I've learned:

• I will never ask anyone about their plans for children, not even a best friend. It's all so personal and they will offer the information they feel comfortable offering.
• I will be more sensitive when it comes to all things pregnant, for everybody.
• I will never again wait 12 weeks to have a first ultrasound.
• No matter how wonderful family and friends are, you have to talk to someone who has been through the same experience as you because only they can truly understand what you're going through.
• The next time I get pregnant, I have a 1/5 chance of miscarrying, which I like to think of as an 80 percent chance of everything being just fine.
• I'm a terrible griever! I love to repress, repress, and then repress some more. BUT, that's pretty much the most unhelpful thing you can do to yourself.

So what's next? Hopefully some good luck and a lot of fun :-) I'm looking forward to not being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, to feeling tired all day long, to having to pee often, and to having a super human sense of smell. I may complain about future pregnancy symptoms every once in a while, but I will feel like the luckiest woman in the world every moment of every day starting the moment I pee on another stick and see two pink lines.

The dark side of pregnancy

Several days after our 12 week appointment, my heart still hurts a bit, but I feel like my head is pretty much on straight again. Looking back, we hadn't prepped ourselves for the possibility of what the day could bring. We'd envisioned our first baby pictures and hearing the quick heartbeat, but we hadn't considered the possibility of hearing the words: "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't have good news."

About a minute into the ultrasound, we knew that there was trouble. The technician asked two leading questions - had I had any bleeding/spotting? and was I sure about the date of my last period? The answers were no and yes, respectively, but that didn't make things any better. She explained that she needed to get one of the doctors because the baby was only measuring 8 weeks and she couldn't find the heartbeat. It was at that moment that our hearts began to break. I asked her how worried we should be and she rubbed my leg and said that she would return as soon as she could find a doctor. To me, that answered my question as "very much so."

While we waited for her to return, we tried not to freak out, pretty unsuccessfully. The few minutes that passed lasted forever ... finally, the tech returned with an OB/GYN I hadn't met before, who after looking at the ultrasound, confirmed our fears and said those life-changing terrible words. We'd lost the baby.

The next half hour was miserable. We went to the doctor's office, where we discussed the next steps while we tried to hold ourselves together. I would go to the hospital the next day for a d and c procedure, which is basically a cleaning out the uterus. We went through the motions of scheduling the next day's appointment and answering pre-op questions with a nurse. To me, the doctor seemed like a robot. She explained how common miscarriages are, how I probably would have passed the baby this week naturally had we not had our appointment, and how she had had three herself. I say a robot because all of this was explained without emotion or empathy. I realize she can't get emotional as part of her job, but her cold nature made the experience even worse. Luckily, we learned at the end of the discussion that our normal OB/GYN, whom we really like, would be doing the procedure. He came into the room, took my hand and told my husband and I that he would take care of us and that we'd be parents someday. It was those words said with warmth that we needed to hear.

The rest of the day seemed to last forever. We began the arduous task of telling our families and friends that we lost the baby and the emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Thank God we were there together. I can't imagine if Reid had been traveling ... the thought makes me feel ill.

My mom came the next day, we went to the hospital, and I thankfully have no memories of the procedure that I had spent the previous 24 hours dreading. After returning home and having a long nap, I finally felt like the healing was beginning. The worst was done.

I feel stupid for saying it, but I honestly didn't realize how common miscarriages are (odds are as high as 1 in 4), and I feel silly for thinking we were in the clear at 12 weeks. Next time we get pregnant, I won't take anything for granted. Even more so than before, I realize how getting pregnant, and more importantly, staying pregnant is an absolute miracle. I do worry that I'll be a worry-wart next time around, but unlike this time, I will be better prepared for whatever is to come.

Over the last several days, we've realized how lucky we are to have each other and to have such an amazing support system. Unlike the feelings we experienced last Thursday, we both feel at peace now. While it wasn't meant to be this time, one day hopefully we will be parents and we'll love the little toes that we get to wiggle and the cheeks that we get to kiss.

So when are we going to start trying again? I don't know ... we can't try until I've had at least one normal cycle, which could take anywhere from 1.5 - 2.5 months. After that, we'll have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, the bachelorette party, weddings and trip to Napa that are on the calendar over the next six weeks will be enjoyed immensely.

The secret is out!

Christine and Matt were married on Friday, on one of the nicest days of the year, and we're very happy for the newlyweds! Christine was an absolutely gorgeous bride, the two could not have looked happier, and now I hope they're having the time of their lives in Mexico.

Upon seeing all of my friends, I just couldn't keep the secret any longer. Telling them lifted a weight off of my chest -- I no longer felt like I was living a lie when it came to my best friends. It was really great to be able to tell people in person, and although we're not quite at the end of the first trimester, we're really close and it was certainly nicer getting to have an in-person conversation versus making lots of phone calls or sending out a mass email. Basically, it got me really excited to tell everyone else important in our lives! We still need to tell our extended families, and Reid's friends as well. So fun.

On Thursday , I have my second prenatal appointment, which includes my first ultrasound. I'm really excited to hear Plum's heart beat, and make sure that there's only one baby in there! I hope beyond hope that they tell us that everything is okay and on track. About three days ago, my belly started to stick out a little bit and my energy is definitely coming back. I hope me feeling well means that everything inside is moving along too! The craziest developmental update of this week (week 12) is that Plum's intestines are moving from the umbilical cord into her little abdomen. Apparently, they grow so fast they can't fit inside to begin with -- when I hear mini-facts such as that, I'm floored by this whole process. It's so complex ... it really is a miracle that it typically all works out in the end. I say a little prayer every night that this is true for us and Plum.

Another week, another fruit

We're into week 11 - and Wally is now the size of a Fig (we're calling it Figgy). I don't love this week's name, but feel good about the fact that it's only a name for six more days and then we can call it Plum. Much cuter if you ask me.

I think my energy is starting to return! I needed a cat nap this afternoon, but it's the first time I've needed a nap in a week and I'm sure it's because of the absolutely amazing weekend we had in Lake Placid with Steve, Brooks, Codes and lots of other people as we celebrated the 4th of July.

We were supposed to compete in the BBQ competition, but the weather was so incredible that we opted to just enjoy the days and do whatever we wanted instead of committing to a weekend spent around the speed oval, sweating over a smoker. Without a doubt, it was the right decision. The weather was perfect, the company was fantastic and Lake Placid didn't disappoint with all of its natural beauty and charm. If you haven't been there before, you have to go!

Lucky for us, this is another short week! One of my best friend's from college, Christine, is getting married on Friday so we're headed down to Brooklyn on Thursday and will be there until Saturday. I'm torn with whether or not to tell all the college girls this weekend ... we're very close to the end of the first trimester, but not quite there yet. And obviously I don't want to take anything away from Christine's special day either. She's told me that she wants me to tell people so that we can all celebrate, but I'm torn with whether or not it's appropriate. I say all of this now ... I bet there's no way that I'll be able to keep this secret any longer from my best friends!

Our first graduation

No more embryo, hello fetus! Although this is somewhat of a scary thought, the most critical window of development is now over and our little guy/girl has graduated from an embryo to a fetus. Tissues and organs are going to start growing like crazy and apparently the little over an inch-long creature is beginning to have little finger nails and peach-fuzz is beginning to grow on the skin. One cute little fact I read on babycenter.com: apparently its little hands now meet right over its little heart. Cute!

We're taking creative liberties with the name this week. Babycenter says that its the size of a Kumquat, but we can't call it a Kumquat (try to make a nickname out of that!), and What to expect when you're expecting calls it a Prune. While I may like prunes every once in a while - and I'll never forget Kendra's and my road trip in the fall of 2002 when we decided to have a prune eating contest, during a road trip (IDIOTS) - I don't want to call our little baby a prune. My husband has suggested a Walnut, because that's about the same size. I liked it because we can call it Wally, so Walnut/Wally it is this week!

We had a great weekend and I'm said it's over - it was busy, but then there was plenty of time to lay out by the pool and relax. It felt SO nice to relax in the sun and swim. I fell asleep so quickly both Saturday and Sunday night after full days and lots of fresh air, and it felt great. Now it's a busy, but luckily short week! With Friday off and the Lake Placid I love Barbeque Festival this weekend, we definitely have fun things to look forward to in order to push through the way too many projects that need to get done this week.

If you can't tell, I got a great night's sleep last night and I'm full of energy this morning. Three or so more weeks and I should be back to feeling like this for a while. Woo hoo!

Week 9 ... Olive

Not a lot of news coming out of upstate New York this week, but no news can be good news every once in a while. We had a fun time in Maine, Olive should be about an inch long, and with any luck, his/her tail should be gone. I'm still feeling tired, but that's to be expected for another three or four weeks, and then my energy should be back with a vengeance! I'm looking forward to that :-)

That's obviously not the only reason why I'm looking forward to life in three to four weeks - at that point, we should be pretty much in the clear that little Olive is going to come along. That means we can stop keeping this secret and start getting to work! I'm a planner, I'm excited to start thinking about the nursery and everything else that we need to work on before the end of January. It's going to be FUN.

Short post, but I need to get to work. More to come later in the week!