The dark side of pregnancy

Several days after our 12 week appointment, my heart still hurts a bit, but I feel like my head is pretty much on straight again. Looking back, we hadn't prepped ourselves for the possibility of what the day could bring. We'd envisioned our first baby pictures and hearing the quick heartbeat, but we hadn't considered the possibility of hearing the words: "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't have good news."

About a minute into the ultrasound, we knew that there was trouble. The technician asked two leading questions - had I had any bleeding/spotting? and was I sure about the date of my last period? The answers were no and yes, respectively, but that didn't make things any better. She explained that she needed to get one of the doctors because the baby was only measuring 8 weeks and she couldn't find the heartbeat. It was at that moment that our hearts began to break. I asked her how worried we should be and she rubbed my leg and said that she would return as soon as she could find a doctor. To me, that answered my question as "very much so."

While we waited for her to return, we tried not to freak out, pretty unsuccessfully. The few minutes that passed lasted forever ... finally, the tech returned with an OB/GYN I hadn't met before, who after looking at the ultrasound, confirmed our fears and said those life-changing terrible words. We'd lost the baby.

The next half hour was miserable. We went to the doctor's office, where we discussed the next steps while we tried to hold ourselves together. I would go to the hospital the next day for a d and c procedure, which is basically a cleaning out the uterus. We went through the motions of scheduling the next day's appointment and answering pre-op questions with a nurse. To me, the doctor seemed like a robot. She explained how common miscarriages are, how I probably would have passed the baby this week naturally had we not had our appointment, and how she had had three herself. I say a robot because all of this was explained without emotion or empathy. I realize she can't get emotional as part of her job, but her cold nature made the experience even worse. Luckily, we learned at the end of the discussion that our normal OB/GYN, whom we really like, would be doing the procedure. He came into the room, took my hand and told my husband and I that he would take care of us and that we'd be parents someday. It was those words said with warmth that we needed to hear.

The rest of the day seemed to last forever. We began the arduous task of telling our families and friends that we lost the baby and the emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Thank God we were there together. I can't imagine if Reid had been traveling ... the thought makes me feel ill.

My mom came the next day, we went to the hospital, and I thankfully have no memories of the procedure that I had spent the previous 24 hours dreading. After returning home and having a long nap, I finally felt like the healing was beginning. The worst was done.

I feel stupid for saying it, but I honestly didn't realize how common miscarriages are (odds are as high as 1 in 4), and I feel silly for thinking we were in the clear at 12 weeks. Next time we get pregnant, I won't take anything for granted. Even more so than before, I realize how getting pregnant, and more importantly, staying pregnant is an absolute miracle. I do worry that I'll be a worry-wart next time around, but unlike this time, I will be better prepared for whatever is to come.

Over the last several days, we've realized how lucky we are to have each other and to have such an amazing support system. Unlike the feelings we experienced last Thursday, we both feel at peace now. While it wasn't meant to be this time, one day hopefully we will be parents and we'll love the little toes that we get to wiggle and the cheeks that we get to kiss.

So when are we going to start trying again? I don't know ... we can't try until I've had at least one normal cycle, which could take anywhere from 1.5 - 2.5 months. After that, we'll have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, the bachelorette party, weddings and trip to Napa that are on the calendar over the next six weeks will be enjoyed immensely.

The secret is out!

Christine and Matt were married on Friday, on one of the nicest days of the year, and we're very happy for the newlyweds! Christine was an absolutely gorgeous bride, the two could not have looked happier, and now I hope they're having the time of their lives in Mexico.

Upon seeing all of my friends, I just couldn't keep the secret any longer. Telling them lifted a weight off of my chest -- I no longer felt like I was living a lie when it came to my best friends. It was really great to be able to tell people in person, and although we're not quite at the end of the first trimester, we're really close and it was certainly nicer getting to have an in-person conversation versus making lots of phone calls or sending out a mass email. Basically, it got me really excited to tell everyone else important in our lives! We still need to tell our extended families, and Reid's friends as well. So fun.

On Thursday , I have my second prenatal appointment, which includes my first ultrasound. I'm really excited to hear Plum's heart beat, and make sure that there's only one baby in there! I hope beyond hope that they tell us that everything is okay and on track. About three days ago, my belly started to stick out a little bit and my energy is definitely coming back. I hope me feeling well means that everything inside is moving along too! The craziest developmental update of this week (week 12) is that Plum's intestines are moving from the umbilical cord into her little abdomen. Apparently, they grow so fast they can't fit inside to begin with -- when I hear mini-facts such as that, I'm floored by this whole process. It's so complex ... it really is a miracle that it typically all works out in the end. I say a little prayer every night that this is true for us and Plum.

Another week, another fruit

We're into week 11 - and Wally is now the size of a Fig (we're calling it Figgy). I don't love this week's name, but feel good about the fact that it's only a name for six more days and then we can call it Plum. Much cuter if you ask me.

I think my energy is starting to return! I needed a cat nap this afternoon, but it's the first time I've needed a nap in a week and I'm sure it's because of the absolutely amazing weekend we had in Lake Placid with Steve, Brooks, Codes and lots of other people as we celebrated the 4th of July.

We were supposed to compete in the BBQ competition, but the weather was so incredible that we opted to just enjoy the days and do whatever we wanted instead of committing to a weekend spent around the speed oval, sweating over a smoker. Without a doubt, it was the right decision. The weather was perfect, the company was fantastic and Lake Placid didn't disappoint with all of its natural beauty and charm. If you haven't been there before, you have to go!

Lucky for us, this is another short week! One of my best friend's from college, Christine, is getting married on Friday so we're headed down to Brooklyn on Thursday and will be there until Saturday. I'm torn with whether or not to tell all the college girls this weekend ... we're very close to the end of the first trimester, but not quite there yet. And obviously I don't want to take anything away from Christine's special day either. She's told me that she wants me to tell people so that we can all celebrate, but I'm torn with whether or not it's appropriate. I say all of this now ... I bet there's no way that I'll be able to keep this secret any longer from my best friends!