Control freak

While I've known this for a while, probably years, my current situation is highlighting just how much I enjoy trying to control my life. I'm well aware that there is so much in life you can't control, and while I can accept that, it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Having a baby is certainly one of those things you can't control (to a great extent), but I've come to the realization that I compensate for that by trying to control other things in life. 

When you're trying to get pregnant, there's a lot of mandatory patience and waiting. There are only two or three days when your body will get pregnant, so in a 28 day cycle, that means there are 25-26 days of waiting. It's during these waiting periods that I try to control everything else. Over the past 24 hours, I have become reobsessed with finishing our house and getting it just right. There's a room on the first floor that needs to be painted, our bedroom needs to be painted, man-land (the basement) needs to be worked on ... and I enjoy diving into all of these projects because I feel happy when I get to control the progress that is involved with completing them. Plus they serve as a much welcome distraction, and I get to feel productive, which I love. 

I have wished on numerous occasions that I could feel as happy and content when I'm relaxing as when I'm productive, but honestly that is just not the case. Well that's not exactly true. When we're on vacation, I let myself completely relax and unwind. I LOVE doing nothing on vacation. But typically we're not on vacation so I knit during football games and putter around the house all weekend if we don't have plans. I love the satisfaction of completing a project - and that's why I'm going to take a long lunch break today, head to ACE and get paint chips. 

Healing takes time

I've learned a lot of lessons over the past (almost) two months, one of which is the title of this post. Healing takes time, and for me, it's taken almost a full two months to feel mentally healthy and happy again. It feels so good to wake up in the morning feeling like "me" again, I can't even put that into words! I'm sure there will be times when the sadness creeps up again, and I'll never forget, but I do finally feel at peace. I'm still amazed and astonished how attached you can be to something that you only knew for 12 weeks ... but to say that I wasn't attached, would be a blatant lie.

Another lesson I've learned, or was reminded of I probably should say, is how lucky I am to have amazing family and friends in my life. There were plenty of times when they didn't know what to say, and if I'm honest, there were also times when my loved ones said the wrong things, but they were instrumental in getting me back to my healthy self. My husband is amazing ... in so many ways. He is my best friend and my rock. I love that he can make me laugh, even when all I want to do is cry.

Other lessons I've learned:

• I will never ask anyone about their plans for children, not even a best friend. It's all so personal and they will offer the information they feel comfortable offering.
• I will be more sensitive when it comes to all things pregnant, for everybody.
• I will never again wait 12 weeks to have a first ultrasound.
• No matter how wonderful family and friends are, you have to talk to someone who has been through the same experience as you because only they can truly understand what you're going through.
• The next time I get pregnant, I have a 1/5 chance of miscarrying, which I like to think of as an 80 percent chance of everything being just fine.
• I'm a terrible griever! I love to repress, repress, and then repress some more. BUT, that's pretty much the most unhelpful thing you can do to yourself.

So what's next? Hopefully some good luck and a lot of fun :-) I'm looking forward to not being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, to feeling tired all day long, to having to pee often, and to having a super human sense of smell. I may complain about future pregnancy symptoms every once in a while, but I will feel like the luckiest woman in the world every moment of every day starting the moment I pee on another stick and see two pink lines.

The dark side of pregnancy

Several days after our 12 week appointment, my heart still hurts a bit, but I feel like my head is pretty much on straight again. Looking back, we hadn't prepped ourselves for the possibility of what the day could bring. We'd envisioned our first baby pictures and hearing the quick heartbeat, but we hadn't considered the possibility of hearing the words: "I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't have good news."

About a minute into the ultrasound, we knew that there was trouble. The technician asked two leading questions - had I had any bleeding/spotting? and was I sure about the date of my last period? The answers were no and yes, respectively, but that didn't make things any better. She explained that she needed to get one of the doctors because the baby was only measuring 8 weeks and she couldn't find the heartbeat. It was at that moment that our hearts began to break. I asked her how worried we should be and she rubbed my leg and said that she would return as soon as she could find a doctor. To me, that answered my question as "very much so."

While we waited for her to return, we tried not to freak out, pretty unsuccessfully. The few minutes that passed lasted forever ... finally, the tech returned with an OB/GYN I hadn't met before, who after looking at the ultrasound, confirmed our fears and said those life-changing terrible words. We'd lost the baby.

The next half hour was miserable. We went to the doctor's office, where we discussed the next steps while we tried to hold ourselves together. I would go to the hospital the next day for a d and c procedure, which is basically a cleaning out the uterus. We went through the motions of scheduling the next day's appointment and answering pre-op questions with a nurse. To me, the doctor seemed like a robot. She explained how common miscarriages are, how I probably would have passed the baby this week naturally had we not had our appointment, and how she had had three herself. I say a robot because all of this was explained without emotion or empathy. I realize she can't get emotional as part of her job, but her cold nature made the experience even worse. Luckily, we learned at the end of the discussion that our normal OB/GYN, whom we really like, would be doing the procedure. He came into the room, took my hand and told my husband and I that he would take care of us and that we'd be parents someday. It was those words said with warmth that we needed to hear.

The rest of the day seemed to last forever. We began the arduous task of telling our families and friends that we lost the baby and the emotions were absolutely overwhelming. Thank God we were there together. I can't imagine if Reid had been traveling ... the thought makes me feel ill.

My mom came the next day, we went to the hospital, and I thankfully have no memories of the procedure that I had spent the previous 24 hours dreading. After returning home and having a long nap, I finally felt like the healing was beginning. The worst was done.

I feel stupid for saying it, but I honestly didn't realize how common miscarriages are (odds are as high as 1 in 4), and I feel silly for thinking we were in the clear at 12 weeks. Next time we get pregnant, I won't take anything for granted. Even more so than before, I realize how getting pregnant, and more importantly, staying pregnant is an absolute miracle. I do worry that I'll be a worry-wart next time around, but unlike this time, I will be better prepared for whatever is to come.

Over the last several days, we've realized how lucky we are to have each other and to have such an amazing support system. Unlike the feelings we experienced last Thursday, we both feel at peace now. While it wasn't meant to be this time, one day hopefully we will be parents and we'll love the little toes that we get to wiggle and the cheeks that we get to kiss.

So when are we going to start trying again? I don't know ... we can't try until I've had at least one normal cycle, which could take anywhere from 1.5 - 2.5 months. After that, we'll have to wait and see what happens. In the meantime, the bachelorette party, weddings and trip to Napa that are on the calendar over the next six weeks will be enjoyed immensely.

The secret is out!

Christine and Matt were married on Friday, on one of the nicest days of the year, and we're very happy for the newlyweds! Christine was an absolutely gorgeous bride, the two could not have looked happier, and now I hope they're having the time of their lives in Mexico.

Upon seeing all of my friends, I just couldn't keep the secret any longer. Telling them lifted a weight off of my chest -- I no longer felt like I was living a lie when it came to my best friends. It was really great to be able to tell people in person, and although we're not quite at the end of the first trimester, we're really close and it was certainly nicer getting to have an in-person conversation versus making lots of phone calls or sending out a mass email. Basically, it got me really excited to tell everyone else important in our lives! We still need to tell our extended families, and Reid's friends as well. So fun.

On Thursday , I have my second prenatal appointment, which includes my first ultrasound. I'm really excited to hear Plum's heart beat, and make sure that there's only one baby in there! I hope beyond hope that they tell us that everything is okay and on track. About three days ago, my belly started to stick out a little bit and my energy is definitely coming back. I hope me feeling well means that everything inside is moving along too! The craziest developmental update of this week (week 12) is that Plum's intestines are moving from the umbilical cord into her little abdomen. Apparently, they grow so fast they can't fit inside to begin with -- when I hear mini-facts such as that, I'm floored by this whole process. It's so complex ... it really is a miracle that it typically all works out in the end. I say a little prayer every night that this is true for us and Plum.

Another week, another fruit

We're into week 11 - and Wally is now the size of a Fig (we're calling it Figgy). I don't love this week's name, but feel good about the fact that it's only a name for six more days and then we can call it Plum. Much cuter if you ask me.

I think my energy is starting to return! I needed a cat nap this afternoon, but it's the first time I've needed a nap in a week and I'm sure it's because of the absolutely amazing weekend we had in Lake Placid with Steve, Brooks, Codes and lots of other people as we celebrated the 4th of July.

We were supposed to compete in the BBQ competition, but the weather was so incredible that we opted to just enjoy the days and do whatever we wanted instead of committing to a weekend spent around the speed oval, sweating over a smoker. Without a doubt, it was the right decision. The weather was perfect, the company was fantastic and Lake Placid didn't disappoint with all of its natural beauty and charm. If you haven't been there before, you have to go!

Lucky for us, this is another short week! One of my best friend's from college, Christine, is getting married on Friday so we're headed down to Brooklyn on Thursday and will be there until Saturday. I'm torn with whether or not to tell all the college girls this weekend ... we're very close to the end of the first trimester, but not quite there yet. And obviously I don't want to take anything away from Christine's special day either. She's told me that she wants me to tell people so that we can all celebrate, but I'm torn with whether or not it's appropriate. I say all of this now ... I bet there's no way that I'll be able to keep this secret any longer from my best friends!

Our first graduation

No more embryo, hello fetus! Although this is somewhat of a scary thought, the most critical window of development is now over and our little guy/girl has graduated from an embryo to a fetus. Tissues and organs are going to start growing like crazy and apparently the little over an inch-long creature is beginning to have little finger nails and peach-fuzz is beginning to grow on the skin. One cute little fact I read on babycenter.com: apparently its little hands now meet right over its little heart. Cute!

We're taking creative liberties with the name this week. Babycenter says that its the size of a Kumquat, but we can't call it a Kumquat (try to make a nickname out of that!), and What to expect when you're expecting calls it a Prune. While I may like prunes every once in a while - and I'll never forget Kendra's and my road trip in the fall of 2002 when we decided to have a prune eating contest, during a road trip (IDIOTS) - I don't want to call our little baby a prune. My husband has suggested a Walnut, because that's about the same size. I liked it because we can call it Wally, so Walnut/Wally it is this week!

We had a great weekend and I'm said it's over - it was busy, but then there was plenty of time to lay out by the pool and relax. It felt SO nice to relax in the sun and swim. I fell asleep so quickly both Saturday and Sunday night after full days and lots of fresh air, and it felt great. Now it's a busy, but luckily short week! With Friday off and the Lake Placid I love Barbeque Festival this weekend, we definitely have fun things to look forward to in order to push through the way too many projects that need to get done this week.

If you can't tell, I got a great night's sleep last night and I'm full of energy this morning. Three or so more weeks and I should be back to feeling like this for a while. Woo hoo!

Week 9 ... Olive

Not a lot of news coming out of upstate New York this week, but no news can be good news every once in a while. We had a fun time in Maine, Olive should be about an inch long, and with any luck, his/her tail should be gone. I'm still feeling tired, but that's to be expected for another three or four weeks, and then my energy should be back with a vengeance! I'm looking forward to that :-)

That's obviously not the only reason why I'm looking forward to life in three to four weeks - at that point, we should be pretty much in the clear that little Olive is going to come along. That means we can stop keeping this secret and start getting to work! I'm a planner, I'm excited to start thinking about the nursery and everything else that we need to work on before the end of January. It's going to be FUN.

Short post, but I need to get to work. More to come later in the week!

First prenatal appointment

I have to preface this post by saying that today was a lot less exciting than I thought it would be. I think part of it had to do with the fact that the doctor's office seemed to be running very behind, so my physical exam was put off until my next appointment (in four weeks - July 17 to be exact). What was left was providing a urine sample (to confirm I was pregnant), having my height, weight and blood pressure checked, and then talking about nutrition and any questions or concerns we had.

One very good piece of news came out of the hour and a half (most of that time spent waiting, either in the waiting room or in my exam room): I need to be eating ice cream! Based on my current height and weight, and my current very healthy eating habits, the midwife said I could probably use more fat in my diet. She also said I should gain between 30 and 40 pounds over the next seven months. 30 I can deal with, 40 sounds like a TON. I know I'm annoying when I say this, but I've never had to try to lose weight before - well, that's not 100 percent true. I had to lose a few pounds to fit into my wedding dress, but I've never been overweight and had to lose weight and I really don't want to be in a position where that's the case. Oh well ... this isn't about me, it's about Razzle and Razzle needs some mint chocolate chip ice cream tonight. I might as well enjoy it!

I did find out today what my next appointment will consist of: I'll have my first ultrasound where they'll date the baby (tell me exactly how far along I am, even though we have a good guess now) and we should hear a strong heart beat. The ultrasound should take about a half hour and then I have to have a typical annual physical exam (pap smear, etc). In the meantime, I will visit the hospital to have blood taken so that they can run some normal prenatal labs. I am very much looking forward to the first ultrasound! If I had had one today, I guess we wouldn't have been able to hear the heartbeat. I'm willing to wait for that :-)

This weekend we head to Maine, where my brother, his wife and their 17 month son are vacationing for a week from Colorado. We haven't told them yet, we've been waiting to see them in person, so that should be fun. Other than that, we're still keeping this news primarily on the DL ... five more weeks and then this can be public info!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a bowl of ice cream.

Our first cold

Today is day three of having my first pregnancy cold - apparently they're a common occurrence because pregnancy makes a woman's immune system go down. This seems bizarre to me because I would think that my body would want to keep me as healthy as possible right now, but anyway, the fact remains that I am sick as a dog, and since little Razzle (the nickname we have for the Raspberry-sized, eight week embryo inside of me) is still in the first trimester, there's basically nothing I can take to relieve any of my symptoms. I've been drinking what feels like gallons of fluids each day and hoping that I can kick this soon!

Tomorrow is our first prenatal doctor's appointment and I'm very excited! I think I'll have my first ultrasound and there's a possibility of being able to hear the heartbeat tomorrow. Full post to come following the appointment.

We're also meeting with a financial advisor about life insurance tomorrow - now that Razzle is in the picture, we want to be sure that we're prepared for anything and everything. I hate to think about needing life insurance, it's such a grim thought, but life is not just about me or my husband anymore.

Gotta get to work!

Feeling great

It's a big day for me tomorrow at work and I've just finished practicing my slides for the last time - woo hoo! I'm ready to present this bad boy and then hit the road for home so that I can get a bridesmaid dress altered. As background, I'm in my friend Christine's wedding in July, and while I admit to not being a fashion guru, it is absolutely impossible for me to understand who on earth they have designed these dresses for. Even with my abundant bosoms, the boob compartment on this dress is HUGE. You could easily fit a couple more of my D/DD boobs in there with no problem. Other than that, the dress is cute. It's a pretty taupe color (European taupe to be exact) with an ivory sash, strapless, A-line, made of thick figure-forgiving material.

Even though I didn't sleep that well last night - I had weird dreams where I was living in a cartoon and having to rescue people - I think the adrenaline associated with a big presentation is starting to kick in because I've felt energized all day long. I haven't felt like this in about three weeks and it feels great! I'm sure I'm not in the clear as far as the exhaustion goes - everything I've read says that will last through the first trimester and I'm only seven weeks in - but I'll enjoy it and appreciate when I can get it!

I'm guessing it's because Blueberry is growing a little bit each day inside of me, but I've started noticing pregnant people everywhere. Just today, I saw half a dozen in and around Harvard Square in a very short amount of time. Since we would like to continue to keep Blue a secret for the next six weeks, I'm happy that I don't look pregnant and can therefore live in camouflage, but it also makes me wonder how many other people did I see today that are pregnant and just don't look it. I think my pregnancy radar is about as heightened as my sense of smell these days.

Tired in Cambridge

I'm writing this blog post from the Sheraton Commander Hotel in Cambridge, MA - it's a pretty nice room and the room service dinner I had was decent, but I never sleep very well when I'm traveling for work and this is not a great time to not get enough sleep. I can't look as tired as I feel when I'm with colleagues (I usually work from home, I don't think I've mentioned that to date) and I definitely found it a challenge today to be my usually perky self! My goal is to be in bed, lights off by 9. Tomorrow's going to be a long day, prepping for an important meeting with prospective clients and I need to be on my pre-pregnant A-game.

Bra shopping this weekend was successful! I bought three bras that I like and that are comfortable (two 34D's and one 32 DD). The DD was a bit of a shocker, but it's the prettiest one of the three and I definitely want to feel pretty these days, especially since it's easy to feel a bit like a hog with my gigantic breasts! I have to admit that I'm not looking forward to going up another size, which I'm hearing is likely. There aren't nearly as many pretty/sexy bras when you get up that big!

The little thing inside of me is as big as a blueberry this week and is sprouting hands and feet. My first doctor's appointment is a week from tomorrow and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm hoping that they do an ultrasound so that we can see the spec that we've been imagining for the past few weeks! Thinking about all that has changed in the last few weeks leaves me speechless. We just hope that all continues to go well so that one day we can finally meet Blueberry!

So far, I've been lucky and haven't been plagued with any of the dreaded morning sickness. A few things have certainly changed though. I used to get out of bed in the morning, wanting nothing more than a cup of coffee. Starting this past weekend, I haven't wanted anything to do with it and haven't had a sip the last two days. Part of it could be the heatwave that we're experiencing, but even the thought of an iced coffee doesn't make me excited. Since I'm supposed to be limiting my caffeine intake, I'm actually happy that my body doesn't want what my husband calls the nectar of the gods. It's a relief, although I think my all day headaches for the last two days may be a direct result of this change of habit ...

May 3, 2008

Most people probably remember May 3, 2008 as a Saturday, and maybe more specifically, as the day of the 2008 Kentucky Derby. For us, it's the day we got pregnant.

It was pretty much a perfect day. We were in Palm Beach, FL for one of my husband's friend's weddings - we spent the day exploring the city of Palm Beach, enjoying the sun on a gorgeous, sandy beach, and then hopped on a trolley to attend a memorable wedding at a sculpture garden. The reception was back at the Colony Hotel and was a lot of fun , complete with drunken dancing and watching the dynamics of the five single people at our table decide who was going to end up snogging with whom (in the end, the old, balding, mustached stockbroker lost out).

We woke up the next day and went to brunch with the rest of the wedding goers thinking nothing big had happened. Yes, we were trying to get pregnant and yes that Saturday should have been around the right time, but did we think we'd had anything more than a good time? Definitely not. We were hoping that I was as fertile as Jamie Lynn Spears and as lucky as a leprechaun, but you don't go into trying to get pregnant with a huge amount of confidence. We just wanted to make sure that the process stayed fun and what would be would be. Luckily for us, a fun and relaxing weekend in Florida resulted in my current delicate situation :-)

Time to go bra shopping!

I have to preface this post by saying that I have reached a new level of exhaustion tonight. I've been tired for the last couple of weeks, which I read is completely normal for the first trimester, but today is different. I'm sure having been travelling for the last five days has played a big role, but keeping my eyes open and actually being productive at work felt like unachievable goals for much of the day. Luckily, the work day is done!

Ok, so now onto the real reason for posting - being six weeks pregnant and needing new bras. There's no doubt that my boobs have grown larger over the last couple of weeks, but I seem to have blossomed even further overnight, making my 34C bras look and feel a bit ridiculous. Bra shopping is one of my least favorite activities, but it's definitely a necessity for this weekend or else I'm going to be carrying two muffin tops under my shirt for the next several months!

The reason for this shopping trip is our growing little Lentil. He (I say "he" because Lentil sounds like a male name) should be about 1/4 inch long and growing eyes, ears and a nose. When I first found out we were pregnant, I signed up for weekly emails from babycenter.com, which provide me with updates on the developmental activity going on inside of me, including how big the little tike is (so we can determine the name of the week). This week's email:

The nose, mouth, and ears that you'll spend so much time kissing in eight months are beginning to take shape. If you could see into your uterus, you'd find an oversize head and dark spots where your baby's eyes and nostrils are starting to form. His emerging ears are marked by small depressions on the sides of the head, and his arms and legs by protruding buds. His heart is beating about 100 to 160 times a minute — almost twice as fast as yours — and blood is beginning to course through his body. His intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to his lungs has appeared. His pituitary gland is forming, as are the rest of his brain, muscles, and bones. Right now, your baby is a quarter of an inch long, about the size of a lentil bean.

It's no wonder I'm tired! I'm growing bones for crying out loud!

Besides growing bones, ears, etc. this week, I'm also revamping my diet to make sure I'm getting what I need, including drinking a lot more milk and eating more fruits and veggies. I don't think I'm a terrible eater, but I think it's safe to say I could certainly be better!

One more thought before I sign off and get a bit closer to giving into these heavy eyelids - I promise that I will never ask a woman that I do not know if she's taken a pregnancy test. I was at a bachelorette party this past weekend for one of my best friends, and one of her soon to be relatives asked me that exact question when I said I was drinking seltzer because we were trying. It was in front of a bunch of people and the question was TERRIBLE for a couple of reasons. 1. I had to provide some sort of answer, which meant that I was continuing to lie to many of my close friends. 2. It felt rude, invasive, personal - I don't know this woman, what on earth (besides lacking social skills, manners, a filter) possessed her to even ask? Some people are just plain weird I guess.

Introducing ... Sesame!

Five weeks in, the baby has grown to the size of a sesame seed and I've taken up the silly habit of referring to it by its size - whence, meet Sesame. Next week, we'll be talking about Lentil.

According to BabyCenter.com, this is an incredible week of development, with the nervous system and the circulatory system beginning to form. The heart should be dividing into chambers and beginning to beat and pump blood. Sesame has progressed into looking like a tadpole (I realize this may not sound like progression to some) and the umbilical cord that connects us is providing the nourishment that it needs. When I think about how quickly all of the changes are going on and how much of a difference each week makes, I am honestly floored. What an amazing process!

Today I noticed that my sense of smell seems to have become really acute. I hugged my husband when he came home from work tonight and the Tide I use to do the laundry was almost overwhelming Then we went out to dinner and I could smell the scallops on his salad from across the table. It's totally bizarre - I'm not sure what the point of all this is, but I'm just hoping it doesn't lead to nausea!

Lastly, a quick follow up to my last post - telling my parents that they're going to be grandparents again (my brother and his wife have a 15 month old) was a really fun experience and one that I hope to remember forever. I bought each one a very soft little rattle (wrapped in separate boxes) and we gave them as "random" presents. My mom was the first to get the rattle out of the box, which we told her we thought she would be able to use in January. Realizing what that meant came very quickly and my parents' happiness was apparent both in their voices and on their faces. My mom hurried my dad to finish opening his to see what his was - for a brief moment, they thought we were having twins. HA. Hugs pursued, followed by all the normal questions. How am I feeling? When can they tell people? Have we started shopping yet? (The answers, if anyone cares: tired, in 8 weeks, and no except for What to Expect When You're Expecting for me and My Boys Can Swim!: The Official Guy's Guide to Pregnancy for my husband - reviews to come.)

Two pink lines ...

I've been waiting for a reason to start blogging ... well I got my reason on Tuesday when peeing on a stick resulted in two pink lines and head to toe goose bumps. Yup, I'm pregnant.

If you had asked me before Tuesday how I would tell my husband we were pregnant, I would have said that I would do something creative and cute.

The fact is, that was way too much information to keep to myself for more than 10 seconds so I immediately picked up the phone to call and tell him the good news. I could hear the smile in his voice - meanwhile, I'm sweating profusely out of excitment, nerves, etc - and something else that I would probably call relief. We were worried getting pregnant could take a while, but two months into the "trying" process was all it took.

Now it's Friday and I've been amazed to see all of the changes in my body in such a short period of time. I've been exhausted during the day ... and constantly hungry. I swear my boobs are already bigger, not too mention sore and incredibly sensitive to the touch.

According to the handy little fertility calendar on parenting.com, I'm due on January 24. I'm four weeks pregnant and while the baby is only the size of a poppy seed, it's already made a huge impact. The hardest part so far is definitely the secrecy ... we're excited, but it's tempered excitement as we know there are so many things that can wrong right now so we don't want to tell people until the first trimester is over.

I have a feeling, though, that will be easier said than done. My husband called his parents last night - he said he just had to tell someone - and I'll admit, I called my friend Katie today to tell her the news too. My parents are next tomorrow (in person, which I'm really excited about), but then that's it for a while, we think.

Everyone that knows now has been absolutely sworn to secrecy ... now how long can we keep our little poppy-sized secret?