Control freak

While I've known this for a while, probably years, my current situation is highlighting just how much I enjoy trying to control my life. I'm well aware that there is so much in life you can't control, and while I can accept that, it doesn't mean I enjoy it. Having a baby is certainly one of those things you can't control (to a great extent), but I've come to the realization that I compensate for that by trying to control other things in life. 

When you're trying to get pregnant, there's a lot of mandatory patience and waiting. There are only two or three days when your body will get pregnant, so in a 28 day cycle, that means there are 25-26 days of waiting. It's during these waiting periods that I try to control everything else. Over the past 24 hours, I have become reobsessed with finishing our house and getting it just right. There's a room on the first floor that needs to be painted, our bedroom needs to be painted, man-land (the basement) needs to be worked on ... and I enjoy diving into all of these projects because I feel happy when I get to control the progress that is involved with completing them. Plus they serve as a much welcome distraction, and I get to feel productive, which I love. 

I have wished on numerous occasions that I could feel as happy and content when I'm relaxing as when I'm productive, but honestly that is just not the case. Well that's not exactly true. When we're on vacation, I let myself completely relax and unwind. I LOVE doing nothing on vacation. But typically we're not on vacation so I knit during football games and putter around the house all weekend if we don't have plans. I love the satisfaction of completing a project - and that's why I'm going to take a long lunch break today, head to ACE and get paint chips. 

Healing takes time

I've learned a lot of lessons over the past (almost) two months, one of which is the title of this post. Healing takes time, and for me, it's taken almost a full two months to feel mentally healthy and happy again. It feels so good to wake up in the morning feeling like "me" again, I can't even put that into words! I'm sure there will be times when the sadness creeps up again, and I'll never forget, but I do finally feel at peace. I'm still amazed and astonished how attached you can be to something that you only knew for 12 weeks ... but to say that I wasn't attached, would be a blatant lie.

Another lesson I've learned, or was reminded of I probably should say, is how lucky I am to have amazing family and friends in my life. There were plenty of times when they didn't know what to say, and if I'm honest, there were also times when my loved ones said the wrong things, but they were instrumental in getting me back to my healthy self. My husband is amazing ... in so many ways. He is my best friend and my rock. I love that he can make me laugh, even when all I want to do is cry.

Other lessons I've learned:

• I will never ask anyone about their plans for children, not even a best friend. It's all so personal and they will offer the information they feel comfortable offering.
• I will be more sensitive when it comes to all things pregnant, for everybody.
• I will never again wait 12 weeks to have a first ultrasound.
• No matter how wonderful family and friends are, you have to talk to someone who has been through the same experience as you because only they can truly understand what you're going through.
• The next time I get pregnant, I have a 1/5 chance of miscarrying, which I like to think of as an 80 percent chance of everything being just fine.
• I'm a terrible griever! I love to repress, repress, and then repress some more. BUT, that's pretty much the most unhelpful thing you can do to yourself.

So what's next? Hopefully some good luck and a lot of fun :-) I'm looking forward to not being able to have a glass of wine with dinner, to feeling tired all day long, to having to pee often, and to having a super human sense of smell. I may complain about future pregnancy symptoms every once in a while, but I will feel like the luckiest woman in the world every moment of every day starting the moment I pee on another stick and see two pink lines.