Hello, 2011, 1.5 months late

When I was working in PR and monitoring blogs, there were blogs that mattered and blogs that didn't. Based on the fact that I haven't blogged in more than 6 weeks, I would have put myself into the 'didn't matter' category. BUT, the simple fact is that we aren't doing a baby book and this is the only way (besides the thousands of pictures) we have of cementing our memories of Piper as she grows and changes so this blog does matter. To me, anyway. My excusefor not blogging is simple: life happened.

But now I'm making a mid-February resolution: I will blog 10 times in the next 2 weeks. And here's number 1.

There's no doubt in my mind that my blogging hiatus was due to the miscarriage. After I blogged last time, the outpouring of support and kind words was incredible, but it was also overwhelming, and I realized that I needed to spend some time processing what had happened instead of writing about it. Especially after the pathology of the fetus came back and we had a rare and annoying diagnosis to deal with. In short, I had a partial molar pregnancy, which means that the egg was fertilized by two sperm. Obviously, this is NOT supposed to happen so the fetus had way too many chromosomes and grew funky cells as a result. So two days before Christmas, I got a call from my doctor with this news, accompanied by the prognosis: if my body absorbed the funky cells from the baby, then it's possible they would be matasticized in my body into a quick spreading nasty cancer, albeit one that responds well to chemo. As a result, I went in for a chest x-ray and blood work on Christmas Eve (great day for hospital stuff as it turns out, totally empty and no lines) to get a base line and then would have to do weekly blood work until my pregnancy hormone (HCG) returned to normal and then for a while after that. Basically, they would watch me very closely to ensure I didn't get cancer, and we couldn't start trying for another 3-6 months (until I was in the clear).

Fast forward a couple of weeks and the plan then changed to 6 months of monthly labs after my labs returned to normal levels. So looking 7-8 months out probably. The planner in me was crushed by this, but obviously my health has to come first.

Fast forward another couple weeks to my post-op doctor's appointment where we discussed the fact that my HCG levels were dropping way more slowly than what was considered "normal", and they seemed to be stuck. My doctor, whom I trust completely, consulted additional specialists and explained that I'm now no longer in the normal category for this type of pregnancy (which is extremely abnormal, by the way), so we should now wait at least a year to start trying again. And, if my hormones didn't come down over the next few weeks, he recommended chemo.

The thought of chemo paralyzed me. I know there are various types of chemos, but I've seen the side effects in multiple people and going through them with a toddler sounded terrifying. So while the year of waiting bummed me out, my whole emotional state was overwhelmed by the possibility of going through multiple months of weekly chemo treatments. Luckily, Piper and I left for Florida the next day for some warm weather, great friendship and a break from reality. A dedicated Florida post will be coming over the next 2 weeks.

Luckily, my last two weeks of labs have showed a reducing HCG number so chemo is not looking so likely now. Of course, that could change again, but I'm choosing to stay positive and focus my energy on a number of goals for the next year:

• Getting back into great shape - this may have to wait a bit until Cadbury Creme Egg season is over
• Making a better effort at communicating with people, including this blog
• Finally starting and finishing home improvement projects that I can take on by myself/with help, such as painting projects, a somewhat redo of our master bedroom suite, and massive gardening/landscaping in the spring

If we're not going to be pregnant for a while, we might as well make the most of it. And if I can get through the next year without chemo or any other terrible issues, then I certainly plan to take advantage of my time.

The weird/scary part for me is that I feel like I haven't grieved over this lost child at all. Part of it is that I feel like I don't have time for the grieving process, and it is so different already having Piper, but I do dread falling apart at some point, which I know is totally possible. Again, I might as well make the most of not falling apart. 2011 started off about as crappy as it could, but I plan to make the best of it moving forward. Here's to health and happiness!