Thoughts on pregnancy

When my friend Katie was up visiting last week, she asked me how I felt about being pregnant. I found it to be such an interesting question because to me, the answer is obvious: I absolutely love being pregnant. Even with the ups and downs, of which we've had our share, it's such a unique, incredible experience. One that doesn't compare to anything else and that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Of course, last summer's miscarriage totally changed pregnancy for me. It took away the innocent/ignorant bliss of the first trimester and replaced it with a scared tension. Every day I would wake up and wonder if we'd be pregnant when I went to bed. I worried constantly, and the changes my body went through didn't make me feel much better because those had all happened the time before and obviously that hadn't ended well. My husband and I would talk about our nerves, and each trip to the doctor would have me in the waiting room with sweaty palms and higher blood pressure than usual. Even into the second and third trimester, basically whenever we had a milestone that could show that something was gravely wrong (for example, ultrasounds), I was a nervous mess. Even yesterday when we went in, the baby was super active and moving all over the womb when the midwife was checking the heartbeat, so the heartbeat was high and I could tell it was higher than she liked. It settled down when the acrobatics settled down, but for 30 LONG seconds, we held our breath and I imagined the worst. And then there's bed rest, combined with the stress of preterm labor ...

Yeah, we've had our challenges for sure, but none of that changes how I feel about this little one or how I get a rush every time he or she gets the hiccups. Or what it feels like to be able to see, touch, and experience the baby karate chopping my insides, or jump roping on my bladder. It's unbelievable ... and I think all of the stress and all of the nerves actually make the positives that much sweeter and this overall experience that much more incredible. I love resting my arms across the top of my belly and having the baby push back on them, presumably for being even more squished in there than it needs to be. And I love looking at my belly in the mirror and seeing all of the vasculature that has come up to the surface of my skin. No, I don't feel sexy and I never did throughout the pregnancy, but that doesn't bother me one bit. I love being pregnant because I love our baby and every experience, both positive and negative, is a blessing as long as this one comes out healthy. And assuming labor and delivery doesn't scar me for life, yes, I'm looking forward to doing it all over again.

Two more full days of bed rest and then the restrictions are lifted! I've started to make my to-do list, but I also feel a lot less stressed about getting it done than 3 weeks ago. The past 20 days have left me with a weird sense of calm, and I say weird because I typically love to-do lists and being as organized as I can be. And maybe part of it is that bed rest hasn't left me having a ton of energy, but I don't feel stressed about getting things done before the baby gets here anymore. I'm just excited for my husband and I to become parents and bring this little one home. We'll figure the rest out as it happens ...